I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
