Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
