Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
