A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize