The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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