would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize