I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my being single is dangerous.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
