Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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