It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
