Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
