I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize