your parents love me but you hate me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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