Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
