he looks like a really good dad on facebook
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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