Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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