and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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