Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
