new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
