Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
