): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
