I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
