Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
