My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were trust falling into bushes
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Holy shit dude........stairs
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