I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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