What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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