fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
