Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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