You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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