dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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