3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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