this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
