Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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