he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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