whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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