I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
