i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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