i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
