turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
