The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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