Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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