You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
