I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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