is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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