I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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