You just made me feel so damn special
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
