she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize