I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
