Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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