Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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