Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
