3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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