it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
