he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
