all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
